Is setting boundaries for yourself and others selfish or self love?
I used to struggled a lot with creating and setting boundaries in my life, both for myself and others. I didn’t feel worthy or good enough to set boundaries or say no to people, and because I felt like that, I also didn’t set the healthy boundaries I should have in many situations, which only ended up hurting me or letting my own power be taken from me.
I used to feel guilty, bad and get a bad conscience if I ever said no to someone or tried to set a small boundary because something didn’t feel right to me. So instead I ended up becoming a doormat, a people pleaser and I completely lost my own voice and sacred power.
I was scared that I would hurt or disappoint someone if I didn’t do what they wanted me to or met all their needs. But what about my needs or wants…? I never asked myself the question; “What do I want and need?”
Not until a year ago. I finally asked myself that question, I was deeply unhappy in my life and my own skin. I wasn’t living my truth or my destiny. I gave away my power every day and I realized I had done that my whole life. And it had made me very sick because by doing so I became out of alignment with myself and my soul. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I finally woke up.
I came to a crossroads with myself and my life, and everything inside of me screamed that i had to make a huge shift. It was a turning point and so I made a choice to do something new and big for myself for the first time, something I wanted and dreamt of, no matter what others would think or what their opinions would be.
I decided to take a completely different path in my life and go on the epic healing journey back to myself, back to my essence and soul. A new and unfamiliar path, which changed my life completely. I followed my souls calling and I signed up for the Online Energy Medicine School.
I always knew I struggled with setting boundaries and loving myself and that this was one of my big life lessons. It wasn’t that I wasn’t aware of it, I was just scared to do so because I had lost my power earlier in life and I didn’t know how to truly love myself and feel valuable and good enough, but finally that all changed and I knew it was time to reclaim it.
I used to think I was selfish if I ever set boundaries or if I didn’t put everyone else first. I used to feel so bad if I said no or listened to my own inner feelings or took care of myself or my health instead of others and all their needs.
Going through the school and the Medicine Wheel, this all changed for me. I started healing and going deep within. Finally understanding myself deeper and deeper, and why I had lost my voice and sacred power. And why I didn’t love myself and feel good enough.
My wonderful and wise friend and business partner Amanda showed me again and again how important it is to have healthy boundaries and listen to my inner voice and respect my body, my intuition and my health. She showed me that it’s okay to self care and put myself first, and that setting healthy boundaries in a loving and positive way is actually an act of self love and self care, and not a selfish, ego based thing.
My perspective on boundaries and self love changed completely. I saw how well she practiced this in her own life and she helped me heal this part within me, and inspired and encouraged me to see my own value.
Through the Energy Medicine tools we both had learned in the training, I was able to shift huge energies and old patterns I had lived with my whole life. I started healing and becoming more and more whole within, and I finally found my truth, my voice and my sacred power again. I found myself in a completely new and wonderful way.
Asking myself the question “What do I want and need in my life?” was the first step on my journey. But I didn’t ask the question to my ego part within, I asked it to my soul. The answers I received from my soul was very different from what my ego self came with. So I had to quiet my mind and really listen, and let my heart and soul guide me.
I have learned that self love and self care are both important and essential, well deep down I always knew that, I just didn’t know how to practice it and live it back then.
I’m not saying it’s something I learned overnight, I’m still practicing this every day and still learning how to set healthy, loving boundaries for myself and others, and listening to my inner voice and what I truly need.
By never listening, by not having my voice and power within, and by always being a people pleaser who always did what others wanted or expected of me, I became deeply unhappy and very, very sick, for many years. I put myself last, which had big consequences for my health, my well-being, my relationships and loved ones and my whole life.
I gave away my power every day by showing people that it was okay to treat me badly, poorly, disrespectful, abusive and manipulative. I showed them I had no value and that I didn’t matter, by not having any self love and boundaries for myself. I carried a limiting belief that I didn’t deserve better and wasn’t good enough, so that’s what I sent out into the Universe and that’s what I received back.
Knowing everything I know today, I have gotten a much deeper understanding about myself, my life, my past, my health, my relationships, who I truly am, etc. All this knowledge and experience have become my guiding tools in my own life, but also tools to guide and support others on their healing journey too.
Setting healthy boundaries is not a bad thing, not for me and not for you. It’s essential, it’s important and it’s a huge part of giving yourself self love and self care. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is a saying, and it’s true. It took me a while to learn this, and I’m still learning how to practice it every single day.
I spent years trying to figure out how to practice self love, and this is a great start. Learning to enjoy life and be happy every day, that shifts your energy to a whole other level.
Setting boundaries and self caring doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person, so if you’re feeling guilty or get a bad conscience when you do, please remember this. By neglecting yourself and putting yourself last over and over again, you loose your sacred power, you loose energy and it can have severe consequences for your body, mind, soul and your overall health.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” – Anna Taylor
What will you do for yourself today, that brings you joy?
Lots of love
Co-Founder of Phoenix Star Alchemy & Shamanic Energy Practitioner